for caleb

we celebrated mama and dada's 3 year anniversary yesterday by going to the zoo.  when we opened the trunk to get your stroller out and realized we left it at home, we freaked out!  Luckily, they had stroller rentals.  Lesson learned, always check for the stroller, no matter what!!! 

our first stop and your most favorite part of the day was this fountain.  you were laughing so hard that we didn't know if you were crying or laughing, it was hilarious!  you really could have cared less about anything else in that zoo.

we missed the giraffe feeding by about 30 minutes, oh was i disappointed.

this was in the aviary where there were tons of birds just fluttering about.  you spotted one and wanted to touch it.

apparently the birds had an affection for your father because they wouldn't stay away from him.

it will be nice to take you back next year when you can appreciate the animals a little bit more.  you had a great time and so did we.


with love, 
mama

3 years

3 years ago we pledged our love to one another in front of our friends and family

the joy i felt as i was finally called your wife was radiating from every part of my soul

it was such a magical day that i will always think back on and remember just how perfect the day was

no matter what our differences are, we always can find a solution

here's to always keeping that spark alive!

and best of all, these past 3 years have brought us the best joy that one can experience, parenthood.
i love you so much brian, happy anniversary my love!

for caleb

look who found the toilet paper?!

11 months

  
another month has passed with fun memories spent together.  we recently went to see some animals at a local festival.  we were bummed because we thought you could get up close and touch them, oh well.  you were content sitting in our laps or cruising along anybody or anything.  you love to stand and cruise along whatever is within your reach.

you still hate eggs, i have tried to puree them for you, and just scramble them, but either way you are not having it.  i think next time, i will puree them and mix them into your oatmeal, sneaky mama, i know.  you really love to feed yourself cut up bananas and puffs.  you are still not into textured "baby foods", you gag.  i think you will skip right over that stage and move into table foods here soon.

you are wearing 12 month clothes.  i think you are losing a little weight because you are so active!  you can play catch with a toy on a string, you love to throw, you are getting good at walking while holding our hands, you love the water and going on our walks.  you are nursing about 3-4 times a day and you eat 3 meals of solids foods, along with a snack in the afternoon.  since you have been teething forever now, a frozen banana in your mesh feeder has become a favorite snack.  you are very watchful of how things work and you love to press buttons and crawl over by the window.  you are giving the cat a run for its money because you bat at it whenever she comes near and crack up. 

you take a morning nap around 9:30is to 11:15is most days and and afternoon nap around 2ish or so.  you go to bed at 8 pm and sleep through the night, most nights.  you're a big cuddler and love to be held by mama and sometimes only mama will do.  we sent out your first birthday invitations together and that seems right around the corner.  mama doesn't want to think about that too much because she gets sad at how fast the time goes.  but auntie g is coming next week and we are soooo excited for her to be here!  lots of fun things to do together.

with love,
mama

sorry for the quietness here, i am just taking a little break.  i hope to be back next week, by then i hope to have the laundry done for my 30/30 remix :-)  procrastination...

for caleb

you went swimming with mama and babcia for the first time and you were loving it.

we brought along some toys for you because we weren't sure if you were going need something to keep you entertained, so that is why you are floating around with 2 tupperware containers.

when i first put you in your car float, you cried but as soon as you realized how cool it was, you relaxed and let mama and babcia just push you around while you stared at all the other kids playing and splashing.

we were in the baby pool section, where it was only 1.5 feet deep, so it was perfect for us.

i can't wait to take you swimming again. 

with love,
mama

i need to do some major laundry because all my remix clothes are in the hamper and i could really care less about doing laundry right now.  so bad, i know.

so, i hope to get to it early this week, and i will post some more outfits as soon as possible. 
enjoy the rest of your weekend!

feelings

so i am writing this down to cope with these feelings.  i wasn't sure i want to blog about this, but why the heck not.  maybe i will feel like i'm not the only one with a crazy mind, i hope.

since having caleb, i have started to really feel that life has suddenly become short, like i am all of a sudden not young anymore and i am old and will die soon.  i fear that i won't see caleb grow up because some weird ailment or disease will take me.

i don't know why i have these sudden thoughts, but they are there, all the time lately.  i get anxious then and i can't put them out of my mind.  i look at caleb and think to myself, where did the time go in my life?  i look back on my childhood like it was yesterday, and then i picture caleb at my current age, and how that would put me in my 60's, certainly near death at that age.

i  get really sad because i feel like i will blink, and he will be an adult, with his own babies in no time.

i then think about death a lot.  how i will die, or what if i have cancer now and don't know it?  like what if that mole on back is bad news?  what if my heart palpitations that i get lately will mean a heart attack?  all this shit runs through mind all the time lately.  the anxiety just grows and festers.

i can't bear to be apart from caleb.  i know this is craziness, but some days it overtakes me and i can barely get a handle on myself.  i don't want to think about death, or that i will be old.  i want to focus on the present, and that i am not old.  i am not getting any younger, let's face it, but i am not old.

i remember first feeling my youthfulness vanish when i was turning  30.  i wasn't where i thought i would be in life.  at the time, i wasn't married just yet (but i was engaged), lived in a small condo, not in a nice big house like i imagined, in a town that wasn't where i wanted to be, no kids.  i started to question my worth and goals etc...  i think that is normal but i didn't talk about it, and when i did try to talk about it with my now husband, he just said that he doesn't think about that stuff.  Really?!

some days are better than others, but the fear is always looming there tormenting my thoughts.  i need to learn to get past it and enjoy life now, in this moment, otherwise it will all pass too quickly and all i'll remember is feeling this way.  how do other people get past feeling like this? do they?  is this just a natural part of motherhood that will pass? 

i hope so.

30/30 remix

i am in love with yellow and have been for a while, so anytime i get to wear this color, it instantly perks me up.  i really like the cut of this skirt and where it falls on my body. although the skirt is too big on me, i think it looks ok.  plus, if i feel like pigging out, i have extra room for my stomach to expand, that's always a plus.  it's like wear stretchy pants on thanksgiving!

30/30 remix

so i'm just over the hump of this 30 outfit challenge and i feel like i am running out of ideas.  as i reflect on my items, i realize that i should have picked more vibrant, cute tops.  i was playing it safe choosing basic colors and not many patterns, but i really did myself a disservice doing that.  i didn't know what to expect though because i have never done a remix challenge before, but now i know. i don't know if i will be able to make 30 outfits from what i have chosen, but i sure will try my best. 

lessons learned:  tank tops should never count as a top, pick more of my cute print and vibrant tops, get clothes that fit impeccably, and spend more time creating sample outfits with the pieces to make sure they work first!!!!  a lot of my skirts and tops are baggy, so i felt uncomfortable wearing them.  i need to shop for fit a lot more, so no more low rise crap:  mid-waist or higher for this mama, i've learned it's a lot more flattering and fashionable.   i need to go on a shopping spree before a challenge, not during!

for caleb

dada gave you a bath today...

for caleb

your first fourth of july went a little something like this,

bouncing on your first trampoline with mama,

dada showing you the dam and the fishies,

i love how you cross your feet when you sit.  you do it every time.

stopping for a photo op at the viewing platform,

having a quick swing in the woods, you giggled the whole time,

you thought it was even funnier when mama tried to sit in the swing next to you,

with dada after lighting some fireworks.  you were wiped out from the day and could really care less about the fireworks we did in the street.  you went straight to bed!  hopefully next year we can take you to see a big show.

with love,
mama

30/30 remix

i am in love with this color, it reminds me of the ocean!  i could just envision myself kicking off these shoes and traipsing along the coastline in bodega bay, ca.  

i am trying to get away from this style of necklace actually, since i own about 5 of them, but at $2.99, it was calling my name, so what's one more, right?!

for caleb

i am dedicating all of july to plan your very first birthday and i don't wanna!!  i cannot believe that in about a month and a half, you will be turning one. 

i want to make your celebration perfect, a reflection of you.  i go back and forth between themes, a vintage circus theme to just sticking with a color palette of tiffany blue and red.  do i make it a huge blowout or just include close friends and family, making it a more intimate affair?

i also am researching some cakes that are made with fruit puree rather than all this sugar and garbage frosting.  do i do a cupcake or big cake?  cupcakes for guests? what kind? 

what time of day do i start the party, noon, one, two?  i want to make sure you have your good morning nap in, but i don't want to totally throw out your afternoon nap, because you should have seen yourself yesterday when we did that at ya-ya's house!  not a pretty sight.

oh and your hair!  my dear, your hair falls below your ears and must tickle you all day because you are constantly playing with your ears like something is tickling you.  do i cut it before your birthday or after?  we are having a photographer capture pictures at your party the whole day, so i need to decide if i want you freshly trimmed or not.  she is also going to shoot your one year photos that day, so mama needs to dress you adorably for both that and the party.

i have a lot more going on in my head and need to hire a party planner, aka auntie g to come help me.  we will get all the details figured out, and it will be the most perfect party for you, my sweet son.

with love,
mama

30/30 remix

i don't know why, but i get so shy when the mister is my taking my outfit photos!  i just acted like a giddy teenager would that's about to get kissed, really ridiculous.  i didn't know what to do in front of the camera and just stood there smiling looking like an idiot all the while shouting, "tell me what to do!".

i really have to give thanks to kendi everyday  and what i wore for teaching me how to tie belts.  i've learned the most from these two blogs on style and confidence.

for caleb

 we had a lovely saturday today strolling through our neighborhood antique shops.  i got some goodies including an adorable vintage strawberry pot holder, a white ceramic bowl, and a necklace.  i was in love, love, love with some gorgeous circa 1940's glasses (the kind you drink out of), but somebody and i'm not naming names, dada, hated them :-(  so no glasses for me.  

caleb, you were so tired of being in your stroller in the hotness of the stores without AC, so we had to carry you around.  it was a nice excuse though to go get some ice-cream to help cool off.  while we ate our ice-cream, you just chugged your water out of your shark camelback water bottle.  i think more ended up on your shirt, than in your mouth, but i'm sure it cooled you off and felt good.  

 it was just a good ole fashion lazy strollin' saturday!

with love, 

mama

30/30 remix

out shopping is where i would wear these threads:  comfy & simple, with some color.  i wouldn't say i love this outfit, it's kinda blah for me actually.  but i had to throw this tank in there since it is in my remix line up and i don't wear it much.  

as i was going through my shirts i noticed that i have a lot of darker colored tops and neutrals.  i need to amp up my tops with some color, perhaps some neon since it is the hot trend i am seeing.

i don't really buy anything that is not on sale or clearance, unless it's affordable or i just have to have it.  thank goodness there are a ton of summer sales going on and i just stocked up on a bunch of cute things from loft and ny & c this week!!