so i am writing this down to cope with these feelings. i wasn't sure i want to blog about this, but why the heck not. maybe i will feel like i'm not the only one with a crazy mind, i hope.
since having caleb, i have started to really feel that life has suddenly become short, like i am all of a sudden not young anymore and i am old and will die soon. i fear that i won't see caleb grow up because some weird ailment or disease will take me.
i don't know why i have these sudden thoughts, but they are there, all the time lately. i get anxious then and i can't put them out of my mind. i look at caleb and think to myself, where did the time go in my life? i look back on my childhood like it was yesterday, and then i picture caleb at my current age, and how that would put me in my 60's, certainly near death at that age.
i get really sad because i feel like i will blink, and he will be an adult, with his own babies in no time.
i then think about death a lot. how i will die, or what if i have cancer now and don't know it? like what if that mole on back is bad news? what if my heart palpitations that i get lately will mean a heart attack? all this shit runs through mind all the time lately. the anxiety just grows and festers.
i can't bear to be apart from caleb. i know this is craziness, but some days it overtakes me and i can barely get a handle on myself. i don't want to think about death, or that i will be old. i want to focus on the present, and that i am not old. i am not getting any younger, let's face it, but i am not old.
i remember first feeling my youthfulness vanish when i was turning 30. i wasn't where i thought i would be in life. at the time, i wasn't married just yet (but i was engaged), lived in a small condo, not in a nice big house like i imagined, in a town that wasn't where i wanted to be, no kids. i started to question my worth and goals etc... i think that is normal but i didn't talk about it, and when i did try to talk about it with my now husband, he just said that he doesn't think about that stuff. Really?!
some days are better than others, but the fear is always looming there tormenting my thoughts. i need to learn to get past it and enjoy life now, in this moment, otherwise it will all pass too quickly and all i'll remember is feeling this way. how do other people get past feeling like this? do they? is this just a natural part of motherhood that will pass?
i hope so.