so far

 i've had no pain since i've stopped nursing 2 days ago, yay.  caleb doesn't even miss it, which is a relief because yesterday he busted his lip on a chair and had blood pouring out of his mouth sending me in to a panic and i thought, what if he wants to nurse?!  crisis averted.  sorry for the side note there, it was our first accident involving blood and it was quite traumatic.

here are some positives that i am focusing on while i mourn my loss of nursing:

• i am actually enjoying wearing any top i want that doesn't have to be easy to pull up or down for nursing,
• i get to wear regular bras!!!!!! no big honking straps showing here and there,
• i don't have to deal with the damn breastpump!!
• my husband is allowed to touch my boobs again :-)
• i feel back to my old self for the most part
• i have more time at work since i don't have to pump, can you tell that i don't miss the pump?
• i can drink as much alcohol as i want and not have to wait 2 hours for every drink or until caleb goes to bed

• i can take any medication that i want, including echinecea and real cold medicines if needed

now i just hope i don't gain a zillion pounds since i'm not making milk anymore.  i have managed to lose all my baby weight and then some and i want to stay where i am at.  i guess i'll have to cut down on my daily doses of chocolate and ice-cream :-)

the end of an era

today was the last time that i was able to breastfeed my son.  I am sad but also very proud of myself for making my goal of one year happen and even surpassing that by 2 more weeks.

i wish that i could have nursed him a lot longer but my body was not letting me.  i knew my time was coming to an end when i would go to pump and nothing would come out after having not nursed for 5 hours or more.  i noticed my pumping output at night dwindling little by little and then caleb started on whole milk and didn't want to really nurse at night anymore, and with going back to work and getting nothing at the pump my body was ready, and so was he.

i think i somehow knew that friday would be the last real day of a good morning nursing session.  something told me not to turn on the tv, but to just hold him and look into his face as he stared up at me, feeling so comforted.  i had a bottle ready and waiting for when he was finished nursing since i was not satisfying his needs and he needed more milk.

i could barely hear his swallowing as he nursed i just knew this might be the last time.  i just took it all in and cherished it, the silence, the comfort, the closeness, the bond.  it is now tucked away in my heart to recall when i want to think back about this precious time we shared together.

i tried nursing today and caleb just cried most of the time because barely anything was coming out, but i did get to nurse him for a few moments.  i then turned to my husband with some tears in my eyes and said, " i think that was the last time."  what an incredible thing to i got to do for my baby, sustain him with my milk for over 12 months!

my sister said i should look at this as a celebration and buy some new bras.  i think i will do just that.  here are some of my favorite memories of this precious time that has now passed.

my husband convinced me to put this one on here, it wasn't funny at the time

sister style

this was our last day of hanging out together before my sis left to go back home.  we spent the day shopping, of course, and had a wonderful sushi lunch.  i lover her sense of fashion and i always get a lot of cool tips and new looks when she's here.  we make a mean shopping pair!

mama style

our last night together spending time out on the deck grilling steaks, corn, potatoes, and of course mizeria. it was nice to have our dad here too as we don't spend a lot of time together.  caleb was really enjoying his new car out on the deck. 

for some reason this outfit looks way better on in person than it is showing in these photos. i really love this outfit and the comfort of it.  i feel like a garden because of the flowery top and leaf necklace.  i look like a major dork and couldn't smile normal, so forgive my geekiness, is that a word?

quick glance

this is a quick glance at caleb's first birthday.  we don't have many pictures at all because we hired a photographer friend of ours to shoot the day.  this is just a very small sampling of the day.  when we get the photos from the photog, it will tell the day much better than these.

for caleb

look what you did today for the first time!!!  we had this toy for  like 3 months and all you wanted to do was spin the butterflies on it or press down on the alligators, but today you surprised us with actually walking with it.  Go big boy!!!

your first birthday

Trying to find the right words for this monumental day is overwhelming.  I've thought about what I wanted to say to you as your first birthday approached and so many emotions come to mind.  The day you were born was the most amazing day of my life, next to the day I married your father.  I remember every detail vividly.

 You were born 2 days after this picture was taken.

mama struggled long and hard for 15 hours without medication because I was determined to have a drug-free natural birth.  Apparently, my body had other plans and some complications ensued that led us to have some scary moments and going back and forth on a c-section or not.  This is at night right after I was getting prepped for the c-section because you were just not coming down.  I was so ready to meet my little boy or girl.  We were waiting to be surprised and it was the wait that kept me strong and going when I needed it the most.

You were born at 9:09 PM on Friday, August 13th.  And boy did you come out like Superman with your arms out.  The doctor discovered that you were not dropping because mama has an extra bump on her tailbone that you just couldn't get past, you even came out with a bit of a lesion on your head from trying so hard.  Dada announced that you were a boy to me, because that was in our birth plan and it very important to us that your father was the one to announce it.  I always knew you were a boy and I even said that out loud after dada told me it was you.  It was one of my favorite memories.  "I always knew it was you, Caleb!", I cried out.

Dada got to cut the chord while they worked on putting me back together.  I couldn't wait to see your face and I was VERY impatient.  I laid there and just listened to your cries and it just put a sense of calm over me, I knew everything was ok.

I couldn't wait to take a look at you for the first time but I was pretty numb from the neck down and it was hard to turn to see you.  But that first look and the sight of you brought an immediate love for you that I have never experienced before.  From here on I was changed, I became your mama, a role I only dreamed of.  I wanted nothing more but to hold you in my arms and not be stuck on the operating table.   You were like an angel.

Finally about 45 minutes later, I was able to have you in my arms.  You nursed right away like a champ and just bopped your way down to find your "food" like your instincts told you to do.  That was my second most amazing experience since your birth.  You were perfect in every way and I couldn't believe how beautiful you were.

a couple days later, we took you home and welcomed you into your new world.  We have never been prouder of anything as much as we are of you.  Each day you bless us with your smile and love.  This year has been so surreal and fast and I am sad that you are turning one today and going from being my baby boy to a toddler.

We planned a big celebration for you today and I will just enjoy each minute and cherish your joy.

I love you more than life itself.  Happy first birthday my sweet child.

with love,
mama

mama style

 we spent the afternoon with our mama at this park and then we had lunch at our local wine bistro.  There is always an opportunity for outfit shots right?!  i love when my sis visits because i get to borrow her clothes and accessories.  the ducks seemed to really like us too.

for caleb

mama bought you a real toothbrush to practice with.  you loved it and just wanted to brush auntie g's teeth.  you also now require the faucet to be running the entire time you take your bath, otherwise you scream and want to get out.  we had a few hairy bath days where you just didn't want to be in the tub anymore, but we figured out this trick and it seems to work.

mama style

this whole outfit was under $30.  i love the clearance  rack at target.  i could wear cotton skirts every day.  sis and i took caleb out to the lake for a nice afternoon stroll.  the sun was shining and the wind was blowing.  it was a perfect afternoon.

sister style

we took advantage of the outdoors to do a quick outfit post, sister style.  here we are, boho babes as we like to call our look.  we both really like the ease of long skirts and flowy tops.  my sis is also wearing frames from urban outfitters as an accessory.  we wore this out for an afternoon of shopping, a movie, and dinner with our mama.

i know

i have sooooo slacked on here, sorry a million times over.  my sis is in town and my camera is at my dad's house!  but i am cherishing every second with her and just hanging out.  we will do some outfit posts together. i hate to give up on stuff, but the remix challenge just got put to the way side.  it was fun while i did it, but it was hard to keep up with especially when i am not working and having to get "dressed" every day.  but as soon as i get my camera back, hopefully today, i can start working on some posts and letting you in on how stressed i am about caleb's first birthday, ahhh.

i'll be back.