whack job

I have always been a worrier,but after having Caleb the worries have gotten much heavier. Now let me just say that my worries are more than the "typical" kind like money and parenting stuff. Ever since I can remember, my fears began with the fear of flying and dying in a crash or of going to the hospital. I missed out on so many things like our family trip to Poland for example. I can remember one time where I hid in my room with a cut up, bleeding leg, embedded with dirt and rocks and I was viciously trying to scrub the dirt and pick the rocks out in my room with a flashlight. I think I watched too many scary stories on the news as a kid because I don't know how else this started.


Now to show you what a whack job I am, I will repeat the conversation that I had with he mister at Chipotle this weekend. Out of the blue, I just had the thought of a masked gunman coming in through the doors and shooting us up! I got really anxious for a second as I eyed each person entering the door. I then quickly play the scenario in my mind of where I would run with Caleb and how I would save him, never mind my poor husband that would have to fend for himself (sorry babe). In the car I think about getting hit and dying on my way home from work or just out and about doing errands. I get most of these mind flashes when I am alone and thinking about how I much I miss Caleb.

My biggest fear is not being here for him. I hate the fact that I have these thoughts and how they appear at the most random times. So I thought I would share what goes on in the mind of a very scared mama at times.

Please, don't think I'm too nuts and tell me you have these thoughts too...