inadequate

Today I have major feelings of failure for whatever reason. Last night we tried the do the cry it out method to see if C would fall back asleep and sleep through the night. Big fat fail, I lasted 3 minutes before the guilt set in of what if he's starving and I'm not feeding my baby?, or what if he is laying in pee or is cold? or whatever else my mind conjures up at 1 am. I then fed him and put him back to bed, turned the monitor back to where it was ( or so I thought) and went to bed myself. So 4:30 rolls around and I wake to my baby crying hard not on the monitor but I could hear him from his room. I felt so awful and I wondered how long that was going on before I woke. My hubs and I had a deal that he would get up for the second one and try giving him a paci first or a bottle if it was 3 hours or more since the last feeding. Well I didn't want to throw him to the trenches with a screaming baby so I just told him to go back to bed and I nursed Caleb. He slept til 8.

Today I feel inadequate. It seems every mom that I talk to that has a baby in the age range of Caleb tells me their baby sleeps 8-10 hours straight. Some did the cry it out method and some said that the baby just did it on their own. From what I am reading it says that at 6 months babies should be able to go through the night without a feeding, so am I expecting this too soon? Should I not try to "sleep train" until he is 6 months old in Feb? I just don't know what is right. I have so many questions about nursing and time in between and consistency and I don't know where to turn. Do I offer a feeding if it's before 3 hours but he's fussy or do I let him fuss or give him a pacifier? If he eats at 5:30PM do I still try to nurse him at 6:30 or 7:00 and put him to bed? Or do I rock with him using a paci and risk that he wakes up earlier like 11 or 12 because he didn't get enough milk before bed? I'm so lost!

Our current bedtime routine is this: he gets a bath anywhere from 6:15-6:45 pm, then we go into his room, and sit in the glider while I nurse him. He usually falls asleep and I put him to bed anywhere between 7:00-7:30. I can't keep him up longer because his cues tell me he's tired and ready for bed, red eyes, crying, etc...we used to put him to bed at 9 or 9:30 and couldn't figure out why he was so fussy until we tried putting him to bed then and now we know he was tired. Last night I put him to bed awake after nursing and he was fine. I think I went in once to give him a paci and then didn't hear a peep until 1:00 this morning. I think this routine is good and we stick to it every night pretty much except we will skip the bath sometimes (like last night) and just put on jammies. Every blog, magazine, website, or book that I read have different advice and what works for them that I feel I get no answers anywhere so I just do what I feel is right. But I still hope that Caleb will sleep through the night each night that I go to bed and the longest was 8 hours from 7:15pm to 3:15am and that was fabulous! I just wish I didn't blame myself for feeling inadequate when things don't work out like I want them to.