guilt support group

If there was such a thing I would join stat!  Let me start off this post by saying I suffer from a severe case of mother's guilt.  I know I'm not the only mama that feels guilty about things that have to relate to their child, husband, and life but I just don't know how to let go.

First off, I cannot won't wake Caleb up from a nap for anything unless the house is under fire and we need to get out.  I struggle with this the most.  We have missed playdates, lunches out, doctor appointments etc... due to the fact that I just can't wake him up to go somewhere that has a set time.  I don't know how other people do it.  We had to be 2 places this weekend and 1 place we were really late, and then had to cancel with our friends on the other day.  Caleb tends to struggle at times getting to sleep and has reverted to not sleeping at night again so when he finally goes down for a nap, I will not wake him.

Secondly, I feel guilty for not going to church for like ever because Caleb will have to go down for a nap by the time we have to leave, or it will time for him to nurse right when we have to pack up, or what if he is fussy and won't sit quietly.   So I have resorted to just not going at all and then I feel guilty about it the rest of the day.

Thirdly, I don't pay attention to my husband like I used to.  My life is all about Caleb now and I have not yet learned how to be a wife again.  I need help in this area.  I feel guilty doing "ya know" because he's in the house and it's weird or I am soo tired that I can't think straight and I just want to go to bed.  How do we get back to how things were?

Fourthly, I feel guilty if I don't put him to bed myself.  I can't go out at night anywhere because I will not let anyone put him to bed.  I want to nurse him and rock him and watch him get tired and give him a kiss good night.  I did let Brian do this once this weekend and it was fine, but I still felt I was being a bad mama by not doing it myself. 

I don't know if it's because I work and don't get to spend all day with him anymore that I feel like this because I have a hard time just leaving the house on the weekend to go shopping, either Brian or we go together.  I feel like I have to be home with Caleb and not out and about enjoying myself going to Kohl's.  Caleb is a baby only once and the time goes so fast that I don't want to miss a second of it.  I am already dreading the thought of  having my fabulous sitter feed Caleb some rice cereal during the week, so I am going to do it at her house before I leave him and head for work. 

I get jealous and I guess I don't want Caleb to get confused with who his mama is.  I don't know if he does or will but that is my fear.  I need to learn to let go of the guilt because at times it suffocates me but I will not let down.  I don't know how to.  I love him so much.

ps. I didn't read this over to check for grammar errors, so hunny I'm sorry if this post makes me look like a moron :-)